I think of so many things as the holiday approaches. This has been a hard year. Now my mom is moving away from the house I have known for 11 years and it truly pulls on my heart strings. Last night the coffee from my writing group keep me aake and I kept obsessing on 2004 and the early days in San Jose. So many images flood my mind from that fall and winter. I remembered the way the icy cold would cut through my stockings as I walked the dark walk through the parking lot of the train station. I remember the oat cakes and bad coffee I would buy at the magazine stand at the train station and the December issue of Roling Stone with Lindsay LOhan on the cover, so fresh faced and nubile. I remember Howard Stern railing against the FCC on my discman and playing Warren Zevon as he bid his approaching farewell to mainstream media. My heart hurts at those times and I feel the psychic burden of memeory. I have struggled with memory for so many years and yet my unconcious mind was filled with so much joy. It is interesting that in the concious world I was feeling such pain yet when I fell asleep my dreams reflected a happy place to come. I dreamed it was next semester and I was in Lisa's class. I was creative and successful. Jack was by my side and we were happy and in love. THe great thing was that this was not a memory dream, a looking back on happier times, this was a projection of the future. Then I turned over on my side and cuddled in close to Jack and felt so much love. It was amazing. The begging for crumbs of memories was over. I was able to curl my arms around Jack and feel his safe, warm, gentle sleeping body next to mine and I thanked God for sending me such love and light.

I must stay focused on the daily miracles and let go of old grief. It doesn't matter anymore. All that matters is the future.

thinking

thinking so much i tend to want to burst. why must i obsess on time. i think it must be the fall, it gives time for reflection. i am a reflective person by nature and here i am, unable to write with a pen for fear of it's physical obviousness. but i can type and not a soul suspects. i like that the window is in view, the sight of the trees beckons me with the many shades of brown and orange. last night we read a poem about san jose and it still brought a point home. i don't want to be a gloomy gus and i think it is just my fatigue talking.

he is so beautiful. i don't need to know his past because he is my future. i want us to travel, see the world. he is my blessing from heaven. i'm finally in love again. it takes away my pain and my breath.

a decade under the influence

it's so hard to get a firm grasp on ten ears, to completely digest what two pentameters of years can mean. i was goth then. i saw some old pictures with my raven colored hair and a satin black corset. my mom and step-dad are getting a divorce. goodbye house in san jose. goodbye cinnamon rolls and coffee. goodbye to old memories of my cell phone and louis. so much happened there. so many years make me sick. i don't want to look at old pictures, i just have to convince myself to start taking new ones.

new is good. i am in love again and it has been nearly a year and a half, jack is wonderful. my heart is just so heavy at the years. i treasure them. i curse them. they pass and grasp and hold me. a decade and i will never know. i will never understand what happened in 2004 because i guess i am just not meant to. it's not important now.

but i will miss that house. i will miss the train station. i have no reason to go there now. it is a sorry and sad state.

blog, blog, bog... always waiting and hoping it drove me insane. i was feasting on where you want to be crumbs. scraping the vinyl plate with my finger and never getting any closer, cloaking with metaphors like heathcliff and peter parker. it is better now.

i won't ever know.

i can't let it matter anymore.