it's so hard to get a firm grasp on ten ears, to completely digest what two pentameters of years can mean. i was goth then. i saw some old pictures with my raven colored hair and a satin black corset. my mom and step-dad are getting a divorce. goodbye house in san jose. goodbye cinnamon rolls and coffee. goodbye to old memories of my cell phone and louis. so much happened there. so many years make me sick. i don't want to look at old pictures, i just have to convince myself to start taking new ones.
new is good. i am in love again and it has been nearly a year and a half, jack is wonderful. my heart is just so heavy at the years. i treasure them. i curse them. they pass and grasp and hold me. a decade and i will never know. i will never understand what happened in 2004 because i guess i am just not meant to. it's not important now.
but i will miss that house. i will miss the train station. i have no reason to go there now. it is a sorry and sad state.
blog, blog, bog... always waiting and hoping it drove me insane. i was feasting on where you want to be crumbs. scraping the vinyl plate with my finger and never getting any closer, cloaking with metaphors like heathcliff and peter parker. it is better now.
i won't ever know.
i can't let it matter anymore.
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