I think of so many things as the holiday approaches. This has been a hard year. Now my mom is moving away from the house I have known for 11 years and it truly pulls on my heart strings. Last night the coffee from my writing group keep me aake and I kept obsessing on 2004 and the early days in San Jose. So many images flood my mind from that fall and winter. I remembered the way the icy cold would cut through my stockings as I walked the dark walk through the parking lot of the train station. I remember the oat cakes and bad coffee I would buy at the magazine stand at the train station and the December issue of Roling Stone with Lindsay LOhan on the cover, so fresh faced and nubile. I remember Howard Stern railing against the FCC on my discman and playing Warren Zevon as he bid his approaching farewell to mainstream media. My heart hurts at those times and I feel the psychic burden of memeory. I have struggled with memory for so many years and yet my unconcious mind was filled with so much joy. It is interesting that in the concious world I was feeling such pain yet when I fell asleep my dreams reflected a happy place to come. I dreamed it was next semester and I was in Lisa's class. I was creative and successful. Jack was by my side and we were happy and in love. THe great thing was that this was not a memory dream, a looking back on happier times, this was a projection of the future. Then I turned over on my side and cuddled in close to Jack and felt so much love. It was amazing. The begging for crumbs of memories was over. I was able to curl my arms around Jack and feel his safe, warm, gentle sleeping body next to mine and I thanked God for sending me such love and light.

I must stay focused on the daily miracles and let go of old grief. It doesn't matter anymore. All that matters is the future.