It has to be summer.

When I meet the blank canvas I am faced with questions. I am faced with wondering if I am full of ideas or full of breath. Jack is at work right now and the house has a sense of quiet I will notice until he comes again. I loved his lips this morning. I love his eyes. He is so perfect. I know this sounds cheesy but I don't care. Being in love is a wonderful thing. I am not in love in the manic drunk way that it was when we first met, not it is such a part of my being I feel normal again. Not that the manic drunk feeling doesn't come again when I see him, when I hear his voice. It is just astounding to me how one can actually get used to being happy as much as they had gotten used to being sad. That is what amazes me, how for years pain was my food and now joy is breath and life. I told Jack once that every time I am around him I feel like I am on vacation. It's so true. He is everything I could ever want. I wish I could make a proper tribute. There are no fights, nothing to disagree on. Why should love be about fighting? Why should love be about getting the last word? It's not. It's about opening your soul to another and trusting them with your everything. Knowing Jack loves me, that he has given me his heart, why would I ever want to win a fight or get the last word?

I am so excited that it has been 2 years since I met him and that we are on the verge of another summer together. I feels so good sitting here in his room, looking at his shoes and the picture he has of us taped to the inside door of his closet. I think of his soft and gentle voice, his laugh and silly sayings.  Love is so strong and real to me. Other things don't matter. Perceptions of self in unflattering lights are false illusions. They don't hold weight, they can't hold water. It is so difficult to break free from that false illusion I hold of myself, of feeling less than what others are. But I will be the master of contentment. I will be a warrior of light. Every day can be lived in bliss. Every day can be lived with so much light and so much warmth. I think of the happily ever after and I was googling pictures of ballerinas last night. I think that is how I want to look on my wedding day, like a springtime ballerina...

Joel will be moving soon and that is a point of transition I am facing soon. Things have fallen in place so much in these past two years I think I really am ready for it. I am ready to grow up after these seven years of healing. It is a wonderful thing to let go of being fragile and helpless. It is a great joy God has given me to be independent, to be strong and capable. I think I tend to sell myself short and think that somehow I can't get things done. I can see, though, how these past two years have been preparing me for what is to come. I just had to look back and let God enlighten me. I will always face times of doubt, when I think somehow I am not passing the test but that is when I need to continue to look at God. God gives me everything I need. I look at Jack's books and hats, his t-shirts hanging in the closet and I know he is all I ever did need.

This has been a great year of change. I lost my grandpa and have learned to reassess everything. I think I am finally free. It will continue to grow. The flower will still bloom, the years will still pass. I don't think I will age. I have let go of that thought. When the spirit is young we do not age. We are free from the heavy burdens of cynicism and doubt. Things can be as pure and lovely as they were when we were children. I feel a time of rebirth. It has to be the summer. It has to be summer...